Tomkyou!!! (aka Kyou the Katman)

You're Yuki - the mouse.


Which Fruits Basket Character Are You?
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Oh! Congratulations! Between composing sonatas and reading upanishads, I love watching Fruits Basket as a guilty pleasure.

I see. You'd better return to your hiding place before Tomkyou wakes up.

Tomkyou is getting his nap on right now, so I need to make this quick.

Seeing that I'm in the HUM sequence once again, I'll have to write a damn essay. And it's due MONDAY. Gosh, I've never put something like that off so long before. Well, there was that one time I had to write the whole essay the night before, but, suffice it to say, I had a lot of help.

I think I'll write about Thoreau. Though Thoreau is, IMHO, a boring old coot, he at least doesn't wierd me out with his constant sex-talk like Freud (mind you, I don't hate Freud's work, it just--creeps me out. Which is why I'm no Psych major). This time, I'll only need to reference one work, so it shouldn't be all that bad. I just hope I don't biff the damn thing and send my GPA down the shitter. And I hope that stupid cat doesn't bother me.

For those of you who can read between the lines, or are deeply rooted in reality--think about what that last sentence means.

REEEEEOOOOOWR! No, the answer is not Ingledork, but if that was your first guess, you deserve a visit from me, so I can cuddle with you. If you're a lady, that is. If you're a guy, you deserve death by a thousand cuts, whether or not you got the answer right. ROOOOOWR!

Meow. Anyway, I saw the Simpsons one day. No, this is NOT gonna be a post on how I think Snowball II is a severe cutie (though my runningmate Kisa Sohma is a severe cutie too). Anyway, in this one episode, the fat police chief or whatever had a stand in the Renaissance Faire for a mythical Esquilax do-hickey, which was "A horse with the head of the rabbit, and the body of a rabbit." Three things came to mind that moment--

1. REEEOWR! I'd like to tear that Wiggum a new asshole!
2. ROOOOOWR! That Esquilax would make a fine snack if only it didn't sound like a laxative!
3. HSSSSSS! Reminds me of some basket-case I once knew.

Now that I think about it, besides fragmented visions of my kittenhood, my earliest memories bring me back to a UCSD lab (and despite what that shitheaded rat tells you, that Tohru story I gave earlier was TRUE! dammit!). Anyway, I remember this basket-case Junior who was a lab assisstant, who liked to call himself HARU-MON.



One ugly son of a bitch, right? Anyway, he claimed he was a dragon with the head of a man and the body of a man. And he had a thing for Beanie Babies. I could only guess what he did with Beanie Babies would be illegal if he tried it on real babies. But besides that, he's a tough dude. Damn, a tough guy with a wierdo streak who likes Beanie Babies. Suddenly, Michael Jackson looks Amish (though I still hate the guy, and all male humans for that matter).

Anyway, he brought one of his Beanie Babies to the lab one day and played with it (not in THAT way) and generally dicked around (again, not int THAT way) instead of helping Professor Horsefucker or whoever the dude was that ran the place. Annoyed with the so-called Haru-mon, I gave his Beanie Baby a makeover vis-a-vis my claws while he wasn't looking. Then he went totally apeshit and said,

"YOU HAVE ANGERED THE MIGHTY DRAGON! PREPARE FOR A WORLD OF FEAR AND RED WELTS!"

Then he pinched me all over. ROOOOWR, that's some never-forgive action there. So one day, I followed him home from the lab, using my catlike prowess. I found his stack of Beanie Babies, and, ever so sneakily, marked them all as my territory. MRRRROOOOWOR! That'll show him. By the Law of the Cat, if he ever gets near that shit, I should have the right to kick his ass.

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful. You show the world what culture really is.

Considering my love of pasta, that's not far from the truth.



ROOOOOWR! Damn right, you pig! Also, everyone north of the South pole has kicked your ass before, just like the Italian army!

REEOOOOWR! So people be's asking me, "Tomkyou, you sure do hate humyns a lot. Does that mean you're big on animal conservation?" I got two bones to pick with that statement. Firstly, as many of my regulars know, I do NOT hate ALL humans. I only hate the males, and specifically Ingedork. And just so you know, I am not basing my hatred of male humans solely on Ingefailure. I don't care if you're Brad Fucking Pitt--if you're a guy human, I hate your guts. And I will likely rip your guts out and eat them. The corollary to what I just asserted is that I LOVE the LADIES. Why? Because they're cute, and they think I'm cute, and they are prone to giving me belly rubs when I purr. PRRRRRRRR. And my running mate for the first ever President of the World race is a SEVERE CUTIE--



MRROOOWR! I'm getting a little off track. Does the fact that I hate MALE humans mean I'm big on animal conservation? In a word, NO. I'm sure that there are at least several species we (OK, I) can do without. First are dogs. Why hate dogs? For fuck's sake, the slobber, they put distgusting shoes in their mouths, they act like idiots with their leashes on, their parents don't teach them how and where to take a shit--the list goes on. Yes, I know they are "Man's best friend." For your information, I don't give a decaying rat's ass about that, since I am only partially man, and most dogs I have met show no interest in being friends of mine. Second on the list are wolves. They barely make the list, though. They have some dignity, unlike dogs, but if the family tree of evolution tells us anything, any given wolf will someday be domesticated and slowly retard into a dog. So a creature that is potentially a dog has to be blotted out of the Tomkyou's list of species. The last species I think we can do without is that of the Rat. "Why hate rats? Aren't they a food source?" Well, yes they are, but we cats have a wider menu of food than just those scaly-tailed sons of.... I don't know what female rats are called. But anyway--THEY JUST ANNOY ME TO DEATH! ISN'T THAT REASON ENOUGH? Man used to eat dodo. Dodos are extinct. But man is fatter than ever. I wouldn't mind losing one measly food source.



Is it Ratkind that annoys you, Tomkyou, or just me?

RROOOOOWR! Motherfucker! What the hell are you doing here? God, I swear I'm gonna grind your bones into paste!

Speaking of paste, I just flushed your worm medication down the toilet. Now you'll know what it's been like for Ingemar and me, to live with an irritating asshole. Oh my!.... I just used a swear word!

GRRRAWWR!! I just hate you sooooooooo much!

REEEEEEOOOOOWR! That damn mouse!...rat!...man. Whatever. He's suppossed to be in my stomach but instead, he's somewhere else, doing God knows what. I can only imagine he's shacking up with lady rats in the sewers so he can create his unholy army of little rat bastards to piss me off. Well, I *am* a cat, so it's up to me to keep their miserable population in check. I'll probably have to call my buddies Maurice and Archibald t0--



Tomkyou, you can't keep your bladder in check, let alone my species' population. And another thing to which I must object! I am NOT some kind of loose rat that is driven by the survival instinct!... I like to think I'm much more sophisticated than that.

REEOOOWR! YOU AGAIN! For your information, "Labby," I pissed on Ingemoron's bedsheets DELIBERATELY. Argh, why am I even arguing with my dinner? *Lunges towards Labby, or Yuki, but hits the wall instead and passes out*

Oh, that silly feline. He really is barely continent, but tries to pass it off as malicious behaviour. Considering his ravings about my new caretaker, Ingemar, I'm sure there's a grain of truth to that. Anyway, I, Laboroyuki, prefer a female partner with whom I can mate with for life; marry, if you will. Well, I haven't met many girls in my lifetime, so if I happen to meet one of you splendid ladies, I will try not to screw things up. I'll treat you like a princess. I want someone who is kind, and who likes music like I do! Oh, and if I really must advertise myself.... I may be small, but I can move mountains... for love. Oh, and I'm very responsible! When I was held in the lab, I helped the Doctor manage his finances. I'm a one-woman rat; unlike Tomkyou who has the delusion of being some kind of harem-master. So, I may be going in over my little head, but, um... I hope we can talk about things some time. The weather, the environment--rat issues, classical music... oh, and I love fashion. But sadly, no fashion designers make coats with rats in mind, so at best I like to crawl up to people's coats and dresses (while they're not wearing them, of course!) just to feel the material. And I'm a clean man, yes! I take a bath with soap and water twice a day. Can love blossom between a woman and a ratman? Let's find out together.

ROOOOOOWR! We need a change of pace here. Why don't I call all of the ladies within three city blocks for a "KISS THE KATMAN" festiva--



AT LAST I AM FREE!

RAAAAAWR! What the flying fuck are you? A head rat? A freakshow? God's cruel joke to the animal kingdom?

Yikes! A cat!...man. Cats are my natural enemy. Men... well, that's tricky, because I'm half-man as well.

REEEEEOOOOOWR! No shit, shithead! Anyway, prepare to spend the last twelve hours of your material existence in a vat of hydrocholric acid. I mean, MY STOMACH!

Please, you don't have to remind me. You think that spending all those years in a laboratory would have taught me a little about biology. Doctor Surpriso should have put you on "Discard" pile, after all.

ROOOOOWR! Are you talking to me like you know me?

No, I just happen to know how it is a man's head managed to fuse on to a tabby's body of course I KNOW YOU, you good for nothing piece of feline barf. Of course, when you were a kitten, you were too busy enthralling yourself by sniffing ether bottles, while I mastered Latin, Greek, Hebrew, Aramaic and Sanskrit. Oh! And I also composed a 30-instrument symphony.

HSSSSS! Fuck that! You're going down NOW, mousey!

What the hell is going on?

Oh? Pleased to meet you, I'm--

ROOOOWR!

Tomkyou!

Dammit, whydya get in my way?

Thanks, I am "Laboroyuki!" My friends call me "Labby," "Yuki" or "Angelface" for short. Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why your cat has a man's head.

Pray tell.

Well I'm not sure myself, but I do know that we were both genetically altered by the UCSD Professor of Paranormal Physiology, Anthony Surpriso (Ph.D., M.D.). Living in a lab is no fun, so I decided to escape. I'm surprised that despite my superior mental faculties (superior, at least compared to Tomkyou)...

ROOOOWR!

....I waited longer than him to bail out. At the time, I figured, "If Tomkyou did it, it must be stupid." But, lab life got worse and worse, so I guess what Tomkyou did wasn't so bad after all.

Then why doesn't he remember you?

Tomkyou has a very porous memory.

So that sob story about Tohru...

...was a lie. Yes.

REEOOOOWR! You're dead, mouse!

Tomkyou! Well Labby, feel free to make yourself at home.

You don't mind? I am a rodent, after all. And I do have my rodent tendencies, like scurrying in the night and all that.

You can't make this house any worse. Tomkyou did the bulk of the ruining. And anyone who pisses Tomkyou off as much as you do has to be someone cool.

ROOOOOOWR! Oh, I just hate you both!

REEOOOOOOWR! I've been watching Fruits Basket while Ingledork was at school. This is not a review thread--although a scathing critique of that big gay supernova that collapses into big gay black hole of an anime may come one day. RAAAAWR!

Anyway, that Tohru girl (MEOW!) reminded me of another Tohru. Except her name was Tohru Adachi Wagner. As the name suggests, she's a little mutt. But a cute one. REOOOWR! Anyway, I can sum up the life of this girl in one picture:



She lived with her crazy German father. He was CRAAAAAZY! In fact, he was such an awful guy that Tohru's mother (who was Japanese) killed herself because of him. How do I know? Tohru told me. Which brings me to when I first met Tohru. It was evening during the full moon. For some reason, the full moon turns me into a full cat. Yeah, I know, that's pretty fucked up. Anyway, in my full cat form, I saw Tohru sitting in the bronwnstone in front of her home. She looked like she wanted to cry. But when she saw me, she smiled and held me and cuddled me. PRRRRRRR, remembering that time still makes me purr. I decided to stay over for the night. The next day, she freaked when she discovered that I am--well-- a cat man. But I put on the ALL TOMKYOU CHARM, and we chatted, and we laughed it off. I visited her on and off from then on, and we'd talk and play games and that shit. But sometimes she wasn't available. But, when she wasn't outside, I could hear the faint sound of crying and some unintelligible shit in German. I started to feel bad. One night when Tohru wasn't outside, the window to the bathroom was opened. Crazy ol' German dad was in the bath tub, passed out. Fortunately, the hair dryer was plugged into the wall. I'll let you piece the rest together.

Tohru is in a mental hospital right now. She's doing time for killing her dad. It's a good thing it's only the mental hospital and not the slammer. The insanity plea really worked; no one bought that I, an orange catman, put the sonofabitchin' Hun in Hell. But I still think it's fucked up that she has to suffer for the crimes for that walking pile of feces that dared call himself her father. God, Ingemar is a pussy compared to that guy! Dammit, I'll take the blame.

I hope you all can see now that even I have my soft side. Tohru, wherever you are, Tomkyou still loves you, baby. PRRRRRRR.

Sorry you can't see your favorite hellspawn right now, people. I tried to talk about this in a previous post, but Tomkyou kept butting in. Anyway, the issue at hand is COLLEGE. I swear, even when I was a sophomore in high school, I felt like I didn't want to be in college. Now that I'm a sophmore in college, that feeling still lingers with me.

A blogger who I really admire (yet, whose convictions I don't always share) observed that most people these days who are in college really aren't meant for college. That may sound politically incorrect in this day and age, but when you consider how much "easier" it is to get vocational training for a job that can make as much (or even more!) than your typical academic, and consider how many choose the academic career path over vocation for the most irrational reasons, you can see his point. I am of the school of thought that scholarly pursuit should not be about money, and that those who see college as a career mill are better off getting a real damb job rather than waste parents'/taxpayers' money and time.

Where do I fall? Somewhere in between. Science has fascinated me ever since my freshman year in high school, yet I derive no pleasure from the drudgery of lectures, midterms, and the rest. Does anyone remember when academic pursuit wasn't so damn institutionalized, and the object of it was discovering the True and Beautiful, rather than a six figure salary/tenure/publication? Yet nowadays students like me are nothing more than automata who must go through the motions, say all the right things, and take all the tests lest we (God forbid!) drop out and find a real job. Whatever happened to the American dream, that an uneducated person, in less than a decade, become quite successful? Have people become so mired in their comfort zones that they are suffocating, that they cannot find a different path to freedom than that which all the "experts" prescribe?

Anyway, I got a stupid midterm for which I must study. I guess I'm getting emotional over that, but even before the quarter started, I could help but say to myself, "God, there must be something better than this."

RAAAAAAWR!!! I bet you're all wondering this--"Considering Tomkyou's love for the ladies, does he also extend that love to *shudder* FEMINISTS?" This may come as a surprise for you guys, but yes, Tomkyou also loves the feminists. Why, you ask? We both share an intense hatred for male homo sapiens. Their goal is to socially emasculate guys, while mine is to take that one step further--physically emasculate guys, and put a bullet in their collective forehead. (Of course, they will have to do that for me, since, you know, no opposable thumbs and that junk).

But I must give pause. When I really think about it, maybe it's not so great to have a feminist lady to rub my belly and give me general cuddle time. First of all, many feminists I know don't like to be called "lady." They would rather be called that "Mizz" bullshit. "Mizz", really. Secondly, it looks like the reason they want to bring all men down is so that THEY can be men themselves. Gosh damn, they kill the beast just so they can be the beast themselves? Maybe instead of all that retarded Mizz crap, they can be called Mister instead, since they all want to be like men? Of course, if I said that to a feminist, she'd go all apeshit on me. And that's the third thing. They're all such fucking basket-cases. You can't call one Miss or Missus, or Mister, because they'll explode into a paroxysm of hatred and inanity. And you can't treat them GOOD like a lady because... well, they'll explode into a paroxysm of hatred and inanity. It's like disarming a complicated bomb. You know, treating a feminist right. And since I don't have opposable thumbs, I'll just leave that bomb disarming nonsense to the dogs. Oh yeah! Another point--since most feminists are enviro-nuts too, they probably won't accept the next point in my agenda right after killing all the males; that is, killing all members (regardless of sex) of canis lupus familiaris. God, why do people love those stupids bitches and sons thereof so much? But that is for another post. And finally, considering feminists apeshit behaviour and hatred towards maleness, would one grow to like me? I mean, I'm no human, but I've got the face of one--ahhhh, it probably could never be.

So, I guess I had to revise my answer a tad. So until next time, RAAAAAAAAAWR!

REEEOOOOWR! I bet all you hot ladies and fine girls are wondering whether there is a domain, ".tk" named after me. Well, to put it briefly, YES! YES THERE IS A DOMAIN NAMED AFTER ME BECAUSE I M TEH A\/\/350|\/|3zz0rs!!! *hackcoughwheeze* Sorry for the "leet" speak of the socially dead--I once met one of those computer geeks and called him gay and spit up some hairballs on his acne-scarred face. But I'm getting side tracked. Yes, ".tk" is named after the Tomkyou (in other words, ME)! Some people say it's named after Tokelau. Tokelau, really. I guess it was once upon a time named after that shithole island where the people suck so bad. But one day, the king or president or Captain Crunch or whoever woke me up from my nap because the island was oppressed by some "Rat King" demon. I, being my awesome self, done killed the rat demon and put his festering corpse in Ingemar's backpack for him to discover to his dismay, and my pleasure. Then I carved the words "FUCK YOU" on whoever that leader guy was that woke me up from my nap. You don't wake up a feline brutha like that, yo! Anyway, the ladies of the otherwise crappy island ladies honored me by renaming their FREE DOMAIN THINGY after me, rather than that failure country. And so it is that--

TOMKYOU! How dare you insult a nation like that! Ahem. For those of you in Tokelau, please don't pay heed to this stupid orange mutant. He talks big, but he's nothing but a stupid cat who--

REEOOOWR! Don't butt in, buttface--mouth--asshole! HSSSSSS!

*For the otherwise amused--the real owner and operator of this blog, Ingemar, holds no harsh feelings for the island or people of Tokelau.*

RAAAAWR! Where're those Something Awful bitches at? I'll claw every last one of you to death! And Uglycat sucks shit compared to me! ROOOOOWR!

Man, I wish I could participate in this year's BAG day, tomorrow on April 15 (yes, it's THAT day too). Unfortunately, I don't have a means of storing a gun, should I find one.



REEEOOOOOOOOWR! I wish I had opposable thumbs so I can OPERATE a gun! But NOOOOOOOO! God had to put me on this green earth without a sufficient means of killing Ingefool! Well, at least the ladies all get a-flutter over ME, the one and only Tomkyou, and hopefully, at least one lady 1). Hates Ingemar as much as I do and 2). Owns a gun so she can give him an air duct on his forehead. ROOOOOOOWR!

Tomkyou, I still DO have that pellet rifle. And if you keep running your disease-laden lips, I'm gonna give you a second asshole.

ROOOOWR! You don't have the guts, shithead! HSSSSSSS!

Learn more about BAG day--http://aarons.cc/index.php?cat=27

REEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWRRR! Shit like this pisses the hell offa me. Ladies, any more reason why you should not hang around with human males? Tomkyou will take care of you, and protect you from larger predators. Or you will protect me from larger predators, I don't know. But I won't let shitheads like those in the news story get near you, not in my nine lifetimes! ROOOOOWR!

Though I don't like your turning it into a shameless self plug, Tomkyou, I would agree that what happened in that school is awful, and people should have more decency than let that happen.

ROOOOOWR! Who told you that you could talk? Shut the hell up already!

This is Ingemar, the owner-in-exile of this here blog. I currently go to UCSD--


RAAAAAAAWR! Boooooooooriiiiiiing!

Ahem. I go to UCSD. We go by a quarter system rather than a semester system, which is much more common. There are two downsides to such a system--



ROOOOOOOWR! "There are two downsides to being Ingemar--one is that you have a dumb name, the other is that you're a motherfucking failu--

TOMKYOU! Dammit, I'm trying to post here!... Anyway, two things I don't like about the quarter system: the first is that the schoolyear zips by too quickly, and the second is that I have to experience the bloody finals week THREE TIMES PER SCHOOLYEAR. OK, "quarter" is really misleading because there are only three of them--

REEEAAAAOOOWRR! Oh, so the University is full of clueless fucks who don't know how to count! Boy, you really must have fit in well, eh Ingemoron?

--and the "fourth quarter" is only for those who take summer school. But I guess it's not all that bad, since summer break is pretty long, enough time to--

--vegetate, and wish you had a girlfriend, and get fat staring at the monitor. ROOOOOOWR! Tomkyou's better than that, cuz Tomkyou's has the ladies. ME~OW!

Tomkyou, you fleabitten, festering feline piece of shit, name one lady. Well? *crickets* Thought so, you got none. So shut the hell up before I lace your tuna with potassium cyanide.

REEEEOOOWR! F.O.A.D! They're just too cool to be caught standing next to a living, breathing mound of failure like you! HSSSSSSSS!

REEOOOOOOWR! Hellooooo ladies! Welcome to my blog--yes, it's MY blog, and pay no heed to whatever that fat horse's ass of a Biology undergrad may say in contradiction. As you may or may not know (and if you know not, you will find out!), I am Tomkyou. Or just Kyou. But rarely Tom. One guy called me Tom and I shit on his loveseat and proceeded to claw my name onto his skull. And mark my territory. But enough about him, let's talk about me. Yes, I am Tomkyou, and no, I have absolutely nothing to do with a "Fruits Basket" character. Fruits Basket, really. What kind of flaming butt bandit would name a cartoon series Fruits Basket? But I guess I just answered my own question. RAAAAAWR!

Anyways, I, the loveable, cuddly cat man am available for belly rubs and nudges and general snuggle time any day of the week. Excpet when I'm sleeping, which is usually 17 hours a day. Which usually does not occur when Ingedork (the fool who claims that this is his blog) is doing his homework. During that time, I generally make it a point to defile his bedsheets. And shed all over his snackables. Anyway, I'm available any day of the week when I'm a wake, and am generally unavailable if you're a guy. Ladies only, please. I hate guys. They all try to horn in on my girls. And they're ugly. I WON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT!!! REEOOOOOOOWR!!!

Yo, this is INGEMAR's blog, though.... I'm quite disappointed. The title is NOT what I had in mind. I can only think of one explanation, and that is--



Ah, yes, the "title character." What the hell are you doing to my webspace, cat?

ROOOOOOOOWWR! "Cat? CAT???" Learn some respect, you shitshovelling, bilgesucking human! I'm not some two-bit pussy like that fatass Garfield! I'm Tomkyou! The ladies be's lovin' me, and you know it! Say otherwise, and I'll claw your eyes out! Cocksucker! REEEOOOOOOWR!!!

Really, Tomkyou. Remember under whose roof you live. Give me this lip again and I assure you that you'll find each of your paws in an offshore landfill.

RAAAAAWWR! Bring it on, shithead!

Yes, this is the reason my blog is not about me. That damn cat has hacked in and claimed it as his own. But I do have my ways, and apparently, he will only post in italics, so--

RAAAAAAAWR! Move it on out, or I'm gonna shit in your bedcovers! ROOOOOOWR!

OK.



Did that do anything?
ROOOOOOOOWRRR! Apparently it did, jackass! REEEEOOOOOWR!
Thanks, Tomkyou.
HSSSSS! Fuck off!