Tomkyou!!! (aka Kyou the Katman)

REEEEOOOOOOOOWR! I just saw Star Wars Episode III the other day. Not only did the movie suck, the very act of going to the theatre was a hellish experience in and of itself. Never did I see such a concentrated mass of pure FAILURE aggregate in such large numbers to see a piece of shit movie made by another failure. Yes, I know George Suckass made millions of dollars in his lifetime. I don't care. The fact that he was born a male homo sapiens qualifies him as a failure in my book. But by Gawrsh, the type of failure I saw lining up in droves to see the movie outclasses anything I've seen up to this point. Even Ingedork. I would agree with everything Triumph the Insult Comic Dog says about Star Wars geeks. Too bad he's a dog, and even worse, the imitation of a dog. But I digress, I'm already filling up with rage thinking about that son of a bitch.

HSSSSSS! Of course, I didn't pay since I used my sneaky kitty abilities to find a seat right under the only Fine Lady in the movie place. The whole movie made me want to projectile-vomit, but something about its awfulness drew me near. Like how a pile of someone else's upchuck for some reason has an attractive quality. Ugh, no, EWWWW! How could I even think that? But yet it's so... REEOOOOWR, forget it! The whole time, I felt tempted to jump up and piss on Hayden Christensen's onscreen effigy. His very contrived dialogue with Natalie Portman made me want to claw his eyes out and shit in his eyeholes. And unfortunately, the fine fine fine Portman sucked in this movie too. That's OK, baby... I blame Hayden. He's a fucking black hole. He sucks, and everything around him can't help but suck...be sucked... whatever.

I'm so pissed that I'm am personally gonna claw the next person I see wearing a Star Wars shirt to death. REOOOOOOOWR!

Your dating personality profile: Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you. Conservative - You take a conservative stance on most issues and aren't shy about saying so. Your political views are an important component of who you are. Traditional - Modern culture does not move you. You hold traditional values dear to your heart.

Your date match profile: Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need. Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Religious 2. Conservative 3. Traditional 4. Romantic 5. Wealthy/Ambitious 6. Intellectual 7. Practical 8. Big-Hearted 9. Shy 10. Adventurous

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Religious 2. Conservative 3. Romantic 4. Shy 5. Traditional 6. Practical 7. Intellectual 8. Big-Hearted 9. Wealthy/Ambitious 10. Adventurous

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Pretty accurate, I'll say.


RAAAAAWR! Hell no! I've got a better one!

Your Personality Profile--
FAT-- You weigh a ton.
UGLY- You, gee, elle, why-- you ain't got no alibi, yo' UGLY! w00t, w00t!
PATHETIC-- even a one-legged dog has better prospects than you!

Your Date Match Profile--
DEAD-- as in, not alive
GARGOYLE-- one of those stone, winged monsters
NOT ONE OF THE LADIES-- because they all belong to TOMKYOU!

And BTW, I'm gonna get back to you for that bullet to the head! Just you wait, asshole! HSSSSSSSSSS!

Tomkyou is on another one of his napping marathons (hopefully a 24 hour one this time), so I'll take liberty to shift the focus on me, now. The Spring Quarter of 2005 is slowly winding down to a close. Never before have I had such an easy quarter that killed my GPA......
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......

Perhaps now is too early to tell, since I still have a midterm in CHEM 140C and an essay in HUM 5 ( and the finals for both) to get through my system. But I only have three quizzes left in PHYS 2C and the final for BIBC 100 to get back in shape. And I don't think I can pull those two off well. For some reason, even though I have gobs of free time, I suffer from massive inertia. Maybe it's from reading Notes From Underground, but unlike the narrator, I don't suffer inertia because of absurdity. I don't know what it is, but it sure is keeping me from my work. Is this simply "Pre-summeritis?" I hope only for the best, but lack the capacity to acheive it. Funny, my job and CHEM 6BL last quarter nearly killed me, but I still had at least some free time, and my GPA was still above average. Maybe the threat of losing time makes one use it better. It's like that song, "Live Like You Were Dying."


So, you must have seen that Tomkyou was about to attack me for taking away one of his nine lives. I'd tell you the rest of the story but... I don't want to right now. All I'll say is that Tomkyou made new friends (not firearms, this time, but real people. Well... depending on how you define real).

Hello, it's me again. The real owner of this blog. And it's for sure, this time. Instead of bitching, I finally got proactive in getting that stupid cat to shut up. FOR GOOD. Let me paint a picture.

Yesterday:

Me: Tra la la la la, hey! Someone downstairs is playing an R-rated video! *thinks* I could just watch it, but then again, what is the internet for? (Ugh, I can't believe I even thought that). I know! I'll just get the guy watching it to turn up the volume, and then, *snicker*

*I tell the guy my plan. He just stares at me blankly*



Tomkyou: REOOOOOOOOOOOWR! What is this I hear? LADIES? I'm comin' for ya, babes! PRRRRR!
*Tomkyou dashes downstairs*
Me: Say hello to my little friend!

*no comment necessary*


I introduced Tomkyou to my Glock. The two had a, how should I say, firey conversation, but Tomkyou quickly yielded to my friend's flashy, blinding rhetoric. (For those of you with no imagination whatsoever, I shot the damn furball launcher in his godless face). As I speak, he should be nice and crispy on a rotisserie in cat hell--



ROOOOOOOOOOOOWR! You bastard!

T-Tomkyou!?! Impossible!

HSSSS! Have you ever heard of "nine lives", you son of a bitch?

TO BE CONTINUED!....

REOOOOOWR! Since my attempt at having all The Ladies within three city blocks was aborted by a Stupid Goddamn Rat Who Shall Remain Unnamed, I decided to take things in a different direction. My (cute and irresistible) eyes chanced upon one Carnival of the Cats floating around in 'teh' blogosphere. They (whoever is running this carnival, hopefully one of the ladies) are looking for posts about cats, and catblogging, whatever. Let me tell you something, Ladies:



ROOOOOOWR! Tomkyou is all the cat you need! Cat!...man. Whatever. Stroke my fur and hear me purr. Hey, that rhymes! Ain't that the best? Come on, I think I deserve a belly rub for that.

MEOOOWR! I realize I have the head of a man, but we can deal, no? Let me sing for you. "I once had a can of tuna, it smelled three days old--" nah, awful song. Anyway, I can do all sorts of lovable crazy catman crap for you--including clawing the Man in Your Life to tiny shreds! Ladies, do you really need a smelly hunk of homo sapiens sitting in front of the TV swilling on beer and doing nothing? I... will do the same thing. Minus the beer. But I will be on your lap purring lovingly to you all the while. PRRRRRRR. Can your man purr? I'm sure he can. I am also sure he sounds like shit. So it's your call, ladies. Genuine purrer, or shitsounding purrer. It's your call. PRRRRRR.

Since this is a carnival of cats, plural, I have a message to all the other Toms out there--keep your queens locked up else they have a litter of cute little Tomkyous serving as a reminder of your impotence as lady-pleasers. I don't hold as big a grudge against fellow Toms as I do against male humyns (and especially that Ingemar character--more like, that bulbous mass of failure with a computer chair). In fact, we can hang out and yowl in front of houses filled with nothing but stinking men. And we can also engage in no-holds-barred clawfighting. But don't any of youse THINK about coming between me and The Ladies or--


REEEEEOWR!... You're gonna end up first on a "Missing Cat" sign, then in the Pet Cemetary.

Well Ladies, Toms, and Queens, I hope you can see that I, the lovable Tomkyou, will be an indispensable addition to your Carnival. ROOOOOOOOWR!

HELLOOOOOOOOO LADIES!

PRRRRRRRRRRR.

This is the "All Tomkyou Charm?" Tomkyou, that's the same face you have after you relieve yourself in the litterbox.

ROOOOOOWR! Give me one good reason I shouldn't shred the insides of your throat, you bastard! REEEEEEEOOOOWR!

Ingemar is currently unavailable right now. He's.... occupied with an essay, it appears. Thoreau. Hmmm, bless his heart (Ingy's, not Thoreau's)--he's been worried sick over the silly thing. I hope that he gets an A for all his anxiety. "A" for anxiety. Who would have guessed?

Tomkyou is absent as well. I heard him mutter something about going out with "Maurice and Archibald" and another thing about picking chunks of my flesh out of his teeth using my bones. Well, it is truly an insane person... cat... person-cat that keeps trying the same thing over and over again and expects different results.

Now that I have the place to myself for the moment, I just feel like... reminiscing. About many things. But if I really had to choose, there is only one thing I would like to remember for the moment. Rather, one person.... As you may or may not remember, I come from a laboratory. Hence, my name. The research group that worked in the lab was headed by Anthony Surpriso (M.D., Ph.D.). His research involved studying (and even synthesizing!) animal anomalies like me and Tomkyou. Naturally, I didn't want to be gawked at like...for lack of a better similie... a lab rat. But fortunately, my life wasn't restricted to the lab. When I was in my tender childhood months (6 mos, which is already into adulthood for rats, but infancy for humans), I had, what I shall from then on know as the greatest pleasure of meeting Dr. Supriso's daughter. Her name was Tohru. I had my suspicions about Tomkyou's story because it seemed like he wanted to take mine and twist it to his own ends. Anyway, Tohru was a brilliant girl, and in fact, so brilliant that at the age of ten, she was already in her first year of high school. Unfortunately, this meant that she had little friends--her high school classmates thought of her as a nerd, and in, fact, so did the kids her age. Anyway, I'm almost getting off track. Since Dr. Surpriso was saddened by Tohru's lack of friends, she decided it would help to aquaint her with other friends. So, for her tenth birthday, Dr. Surpriso introduced me as a "gift" to her.

She was not pleased.

I'm not so sure myself, but if I had trouble making friends, I would feel a bit insulted if my father thought the best way to do that was to introduce me to a total freakshow. I wasn't deterred, however. I'd rather take whatever flaming darts she would sling then return to the lab, and drudgery. I tried to get to know her... her likes, dislikes, anxieties, fears... her trouble making friends.... It wasn't easy, but I persisted. But there was one thing we had in common, that helped us bond together. We were both rejected by others. I, by the other rats in the lab, for being too wierd. As for humans--they saw me as an experimental sample rather than a person with feelings. Dr. Surpriso less so, but... I am part of his research. I told her that I knew how it felt to be an outsider, to be "wierd." Eventually she had sympathy with me. And after that, she started to call me her friend. After a while, we became almost inseperable.

As the years went by, Tohru opened herself up more and had more friends. I, on the other hand, decided to share my works and knowledge with other humans. Other rats still didn't accept me though. I still lived mostly in the lab, but Tohru visited very often. It made life more liveable.

Things changed, though. Four years later, she graduated and received many scholarships and invitations to go to Harvard. She did, and majored in Physics. Life in the lab became all the less liveable again. So I escaped. Though, I did hear gossip that she would assist her father some season or another--but I digress. Why base my hopes on feeble chatter--



Oh! Yuki! Father was getting worried about you!

TOHRU! It's been so long! How have you been!...and, what are you doing here?

Hey Yukes. I was walking down school one day, and happened to mention your name, and this girl immediately ran up to me and said, "You know Yuki? You have to show him to me!"

"Yukes." That's new.

Yuki, you'd better come back to the Lab now. Daddy's worried, and he says he'll try to make life more liveable for you here. Will you come back? Please?

Tohru, as much as I'd like to do anything for you, I just can't go back there. I like it here with Ingemar.

You know Yuki, if you're as chummy with Ms. Tohru here as she tells me you are, maybe you should listen to her.

You're trying to get rid of me aren't you? But don't worry, if it means so much to you, Tohru, I'll put up with anything.

Oh, you'd do that? Thank you Yuki! And don't worry--I'll be there often--no, I'll be there every day, so we'll have fun! I'm helping Daddy with his research now. Maybe, at the same time, we can chat and have fun like the old days. Okay?

Tohru... I would love that.

REEEOOOOOOWR! Ingedork and that rat have been messin' around during my 24-hour beautyrest!

I'll show them. Ingefool will never get his schoolwork done again. HSSSS!

again--for those of you rooted in reality--think about what this post means.

# posted by Ingemar @ 10:28 PM 0 comments